LilThickNSexiIsBack Just Bored. - November 19, 2010 add/view comments (0)

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Proposal ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Poor Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you....' The girl look right at him, and then said, 'NO!' Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,'The bastard had all quarters!' *~*~*~*~*~*~Miss LilThickNSexi*~*~*~*~*~*~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Negro Prayer ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Back in the days of steam ships, only rich white people sailed at Sea. One day while sailing, something suddenly happened to the ship and it was about to sink. Terrified, the white folks aboard didn't know what to do. Someone suggested that they do what Negroes did...Pray. Unfortunately, no one knew what to say. So they called Thomas, a black cook on the ship an asked him to pray. Thomas agreed and came up on deck to pray. He started like this: Lawd one day I wuz hongry. I went to a restaurunt to git me sumpin' to eat!...An da sign said: FOR WHITE FOLKS ONLY. So I went to da water fountin to git me some water an da sign said FOR WHITE FOLKS ONLY. Den Lawd, I went to de toilet room an da sign said: FOR WHITE FOLKS ONLY. So Lawd Almightee...when dis hur' big 'ol boat sanks,...let it be FOR WHITE FOLKS ONLY. In yo name I pray...AMEN peace. *~*~*~*~ Miss LilThickNSexi *~*~*~*~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If You Like It Raw ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his %#&@$! covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says:I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it. The man looks a little perplexed and says:Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc. The doctor answers:I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your %#&@$!. The man screams in horror,Absolutely not! I want a second opinion. The doctor replies:Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice. The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his %#&@$! and proclaims: Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease. The guy says to the doctor:Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my %#&@$!!! The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate! Oh, Thank God!, the man replies.Yes, says the Chinese doctor,You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money! *~*~*~*~ Miss LilThickNSexi *~*~*~*~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Turner Brown ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator,looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: '7 ft. tall, 350lbs., 20in. private, 3lb. testicles, Turner Brown.' The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says : 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says : 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 ft. tall, I weigh 350lbs.,I have a 20in private, my testicles weigh 3lbs. each and my name is Turner Brown.' The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus,I thought you said Turn around.*~*~*~*~ Miss LilThickNSexi*~*~*~*~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jack Sh*t ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For some time many of have wondered who is Jack Sh*t? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, You don't know Jack Sh*t? Well, thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Sh*t is the only son of Awe Sh*t who married O Sh*t, the owners of Knee Deep N Sh*t Inc. In turn Jack Sh*t married Noe Sh*t. The couple had 6 children: Holie Sh*t, Giva Sh*t, Fulla Sh*t, Bull Sh*t, and the twins Deep Sh*t and Dip Sh*t. Deep Sh*t married Dumb Sh*t, a high school dropout. After 15 yrs., Jack and Noe Sh*t got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock and became Noe Sh*t Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Sh*t married Lota Sh*t and had a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Sh*t. Fulla Sh*t and Giva Sh*t married the Happens Brothers and had a double wedding. The newspaper invited everyone to the Sh*t-Happens wedding. Bull Sh*t traveled the world and returned home with an italian bride, Pisa Sh*t. So from now on, no one can tell you that you don't know Jack Sh*t. *~*~*~*~ Miss LilThickNSexi *~*~*~*~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 3 Survivors ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Bob,Tom and Debbie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself. It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing...... So they buried Debbie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Never Lie To Kids ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy is sunbathing nude at the beach. A little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private with a newspaper. The little girl says, 'What's under there?' The man says, 'A bird.' The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. He wakes up in a hospital and in great pain. A doctor and a policeman are at his bed, and the doctor asks, "Do you remember what happened?" The man answers, 'I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl." The policeman says, "I asked her what happened? She said, 'I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. Then it spit at me! ....so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed its two little eggs!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Slap Your Co-Worker Day ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Got this from a disgruntled colleague:Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!! Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-Workers Holiday: Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in thier mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are some rules you must follow: * You can slap one person per hour- no more. * You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day. * You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-worker take thier turns slapping the irritant. * No weapons are allowed... other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher. * If questioned by a supervisor [ or police, if the supervisor is the irritant ], you are allowed to LIE,LIE,LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping..... and have a great day!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sneaky Superman ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On a sunny day Superman flies high above the city of Metropolis. Then suddenly he sees Catwoman buttnaked on the roof of this building with her feet up in the air making all the horny moves. Superman thinks to himself, "I am fast enough to %#&@$! her without her even knowing what hit her". So in a split second he is down there, %#&@$!s her and flies high above the city once more ...Catwoman, stunned, says "What the hell happened there !?" Now the Invisible Man gets off her and says: "I don't know,but suddenly I have this incredible pain in the %#&@$! !!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Christmas Gift ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You know, it was Christmas, dad had rented a Santa suit and brought it home. Mum looked at it and said to dad: "It would really turn me on if you would wear that suit and have me on the kitchen table". A few seconds later she bent over the table and Santa (dad) took her form behind really hard, yelling: "What do you want for Christmas,what do you want for Christmas !!". Mum answered: "Another baby, another baby !!". Little John upstairs heard the noise and went down the stairs to take a look. So he just opened the kitchen door a little so he could see what happened .... That evening the whole family gathered the celebrate Christmas.Then there was this knock on the door, it was Santa !!! Santa entered the room: "Ho, ho, ho !!" Turned to little John and asked: "And what do you want for Christmas ?" Little John, dropped his pants bent over and said: "I wanta new bicycle but please don't hurt me too much Santa"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You Caught My Eye ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ...... and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Different Drug Problem ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in an adjoining county and he asked me rhetorical question, "Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?" I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on SUnday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me. I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields. I was drug to homes of family, friends and neighbors to elp out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood, and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me bak to the woodshed. Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say. or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin: and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place. God bless the parents who drugged us. ~*~*~*~*~*MissThickNSexi~*~*~* ~*~*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Wonders Of Knowledge~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A father watched his young daugther playing in the garden on their Wyoming ranch. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 'Daddy,what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' he replied. 'What do you call the spider on the top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. 'So, the other is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.' The little girl,looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said 'Well we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain sh*t in our backyard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Obedient Wife ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There once was a man who worked very hard all his life. He saved every penny he made and was very stingy and prideful of his money.Just before he died he made his wife promise that she would put all his money in a jar and bury it with him,he wanted it all for himself in his afterlife.The old man died shortly after. At the end of his service the obedient wife put a silver box in his casket. The undetakers shut and locked the casket. The woman's friend was furious 'Girl, I know you did not put all that money in his casket!' The wife replied,'I promised, I can't go back on my word.' 'You mean to tell me you really put all that money in the casket?!?!' 'I sure did.' said the wife...I gathered all the money put it in my account and wrote him a check...if he can cash it he can spend it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Poor Little Joseph ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For his birthday,little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son,we'd give you one,but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it. "The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son,where are you going?" Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she is cuming too. I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After 40 Years Of Marriage ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.Suddenly,a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.She said,'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time,I will grant you each a wish.'The wife answered,'Oh,I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.' The fairy waved her magic wand and -poof!- two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.The husband thought for a moment:'Well,this is all very romantic,but an opportunity like this will never come again.I'm sorry my love,but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'The wife,and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.The moral of this story: Men who are UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS should remember FAIRIES ARE FEMALE......