How do we relate to non-Muslim
relatives? Dr. Aisha Hamdan offers practical advice to converts.
For those who have studied, pondered, and struggled with the idea
of becoming Muslim, there is often great relief when the
realization comes that Shahada must be pronounced. As time goes on
and more knowledge is acquired regarding the deen, another
realization soon begins to surface, the challenges and questions
have not ended and may only have just begun. This is particularly
true when it comes to the issue of dealing with and relating to
non-Muslim relatives, especially those with whom one has developed
a close relationship. This topic is particularly relevant for women
due to the fact that more new converts are female (although the
trend may be changing as more men enter Islam) and also because
women may have more opportunity to visit with and spend time with
other family members. If children are involved, this will most
definitely be the case. We understand, of course, that parents and
other relatives should be treated with kindness and respect and
that there are serious consequences for one who severs the ties of
kinship. The challenges and questions that arise concern the
boundaries and specific guidelines that need to be established for
dealing with non-Muslim relatives, primarily as it pertains to
practical aspects of the religion. Let's take a look at a few
scenarios to clarify the topic. Read through the scenarios and the
guidelines that follow and determine which guidelines should be
used for each scenario. SCENARIO #1 Sarah, a new Muslimah, has
always had a close relationship with her parents and siblings and
does not want this to change now that she has become Muslim. Her
family has been very understanding, even making accommodations for
Sarah so that she continues to feel comfortable during her visits
with them. A few examples are: they no longer serve pork at meals,
alcoholic beverages are removed from sight, etc. Several family
members have even begun to ask questions about Islam and its
beliefs and practices. SCENARIO #2 Sumayyah has been a Muslim for
almost 5 years now and she has been struggling with her family
since the beginning. When she goes to visit them, there is often
loud music playing or an inappropriate program may be on the
television. Her family does not take her religion seriously and
often joke about her hijab or the "strict requirements" such as
prohibitions against alcohol, gambling, etc. Although Sumayyah has
tried to teach her family about the things that make her feel
uncomfortable and that are offensive to her beliefs, the family
refuses to change its lifestyle just because she is visiting. She
is somewhat shy about discussing these issues with her family and
does not want to offend them. These issues have begun to concern
Sumayyah even more as her children get older and she worries about
the negative influence that her family may have on them. Holidays
are particularly challenging topics. SCENARIO #3 Zahra is in a
particularly difficult situation because each time that she visits
with her family they confront her about her new religion. This has
been occurring for several years since she became Muslim and has
become increasingly more serious. Her family is very upset and
unhappy about the changes she has made in her life and sometimes
tells her that she must be "crazy." There have even been blatant
attempts to ridicule and embarrass Zahra, her husband, and their
children. Following overnight stays by the children, Zahra often
discovers that they have deliberately been exposed to things that
she has clearly explained as prohibited in Islam. On one occasion,
the family served pork during a meal and joked in front of the
children about the ridiculousness of this prohibition. Zahra feels
very estranged from her family, but worries about breaking the ties
completely. Some of her family members have already done this of
their own initiative. GENERAL GUIDELINES 1. Educate them about
Islamic beliefs. One of our main goals each time that we go to
visit family members should be to teach them about Islam. I have
heard from many women that this is one of the most difficult things
to do and that they would much rather conduct dawah [invitation to
Islam] with strangers. This may be due to the fact that if a
stranger does not accept what we are saying we can just go on our
way, but when family members do not understand or are reluctant to
enter discussions, it may put a train on the relationship.
Regardless of the difficulty that we encounter, dawah to family
members should be given first priority. Out of love for them we
should have a strong desire to share the special gift that God has
given us and attempt to save them from the hellfire. It is
important to understand that this should be done with special care,
gradualness, and an understanding of the unique qualities, beliefs,
and circumstances of each individual. This may require a great deal
of persistence and patience, but we should never give up nor
despair of God's mercy and guidance. Of course, if our efforts were
successful this would solve a great deal of problems. 2. Educate
them about specific Islamic practices and requirements. For family
members to understand the changes that a new Muslimah has made in
her life, they need to be educated about the specific practices,
requirements, and prohibitions. This should always come with an
explanation of the rationale for each action so that a complete and
true understanding may be obtained. If family members realize the
logic involved in the religion it may be easier for them to accept
and even begin to respect these practical aspects. This obviously
means that the Muslimah needs to be educated herself, but this
should only be one more incentive to continuously gain knowledge.
It is also helpful to become familiar with the religions of other
family members so that some common ground may be shared. For
example, stimulating discussions may be generated around the fact
that references pertaining to requirements for hijab and fasting,
and prohibitions against pork, alcohol, and usury (interest) are
present in both Christian and Judaic teachings and books. This may
also be effective in generating other questions such as why there
are such similarities between these three religions, the only
answer can be that there is one God who has sent the messages since
the beginning of Man. 3.Consider putting conditions on visits, such
as frequency and location. There will obviously be times when it
will be necessary to place limitations during visits with families.
For example, it would not be appropriate to sit in areas where
alcohol or pork is being served or where inappropriate programs are
being watched on the TV. One can discreetly move to another room if
this is an option. In families where it is particularly difficult
and members have refused to be respectful towards one's religion,
then it may be essential to limit visits or put conditions on where
visits will take place. It may, for example, become a rule in your
family that visits will only occur in your house and that certain
beverages are not allowed. This would obviously be the easiest way
to control what occurs during these times and be another effective
way to introduce relatives to "life as a Muslim". It is always
important to remember that ties of kinship are important but not at
the expense of leading us to disobedience to God. God says, "But if
they strive with you to make you join in worship with Me that of
which you have no knowledge, then obey them not, but behave with
them in the world kindly" [31:15] Use creative ways to engage
family members. Creativity can go a long way sometimes and be
especially effective in more difficult situations. Discussions
about Islam may be stimulated by sharing an interesting and
attractive book, pointing out a recent story in the newspaper, or
by watching a video that introduces Islam or covers a particular
topic. The Muslim who is really proficient can divert relatives
with interesting talk or useful activities and entertainment such
as sports activities, board games, computer games, etc. This will
give the others an alternative to forbidden things and make for a
much more enjoyable experience for all. It will be especially
helpful in alleviating the worry that is often present when
children are involved. For Sarah in Scenario 1, all that may be
required of her may be guidelines one and two above. She has a
fairly easy path ahead of her with many opportunities to educate
family members about Islam. In actuality, these suggestions should
be used with any family regardless of the particular circumstances.
Scenario 2 As for Sumayyah, she will have a more difficult time and
may need to incorporate step three in her plan for working with
relatives. There is some potential here and distraction may be most
beneficial in reducing the haram activities that family members
engage in during visits. She will also need to be creative in
stimulating discussions about her religion and may want to
determine the special interests and "soft spots" of each person. In
Scenario 3, Zahra has a challenging road ahead of her and she may
initially want to consider limiting visits with her family, at
least in the short term. She should continue to follow guidelines
1-3 and may find it helpful to share her struggles with other
Muslim women who would be able to offer support and advice. The
most important thing to remember is that God is aware of our
struggles and that these are tests for us to see which of us are
most righteous. Allah says, "You shall certainly be tried and
tested in your wealth and properties and in your personal selves;
and you shall certainly hear much that will grieve you from those
who received the Scripture before you and from those who ascribe
partners to God. But if you persevere patiently and become pious,
then verily that will be a determining factor in all affairs and
that is from the great matters." (Surah Al-imran 3,186). Let us ask
God to make us successful in this life and in the hereafter.
