The Man........ right here!
First thing : WE ARE A FAMILY OF AMERICAN WARRIORS....... Our combat history spans from 1812 to present time ..... fought in every AMERICAN WAR and conflicts .....WORLD WIDE.... and the tradition continues via my offspring ......
Daughter , USAF Commissioned Officer (GWT/ Afgan front)
Sons, US Navy enlisted ranks. (GWT)
Former wive, USAF enlisted ranks.
Myself, Ret USAF Non Commissioned Officer (Libya/ Lebanon/panama)
Daughter's mom, Ret USAF Non Commissioned Officer (panama/gulf war I)
My Dad, US Army enlisted ranks. (Korea conflict)
DON"T TREAD ON US!!!!!!
196 years, and my boys are the first Sailors.....he heheheheh he he.....one proud daddy!!!!
jokes on me!!!!!
TIME TO LAUGH
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'
An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what' s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks..
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful!
One more. . .! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Like those???? check this one out!!!
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says,A hamburger, fries and a coke, and turns to the ostrich,What's yours?
I'll have the same, says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
That will be $9.40 please, and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,A hamburger, fries and a coke. The ostrich says, I'll have the same.
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. $ 9.40!!!
This becomes routine until the two enter again. The usual? asks the waitress.
No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad, says the man. Same, says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, That will be $32.62.
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time???
Well........ says the man, (sigh) several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
(sigh)
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.
That's brilliant! says the waitress.....Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!
That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there, says the man. The waitress asks, What's with the ostrich???
The man (sigh), pauses and answers, My second wish was for a tall chick with a big %#&@$! and long legs who agrees with everything I say.....
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. ,br /> 10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who couldn't get out of jury duty.
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*** STAT TUNE FOR MORE STUFF, FOLKs!!! ***
