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$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do lots of things that took two arms. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself and there goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. The other one asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said, "I'm NOT happy ... my BALLS itch." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Three football fans were out for a ride when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, passed out drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Bears fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Vikings fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, but with some grumbling, the Packer fan took off his cap and placed it over her girly part. The police were called and when the first officer arrived, he conducted his investigation. First he lifted up the Bears cap, replaced it and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Vikings cap and replaced it, writing down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Packer cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time. The Packer fan was becoming annoyed and asked "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking? Well, said the officer, I am just simply surprised. Normally, when you look under a Packer cap... you find an %#&@$!......!!!!! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Colonoscop y comments A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies. Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.' 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' And the best one of all.. 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?' $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$> Subject: Old Man > > > > > > All Seniors aren't Senile! > > > > An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening > > with a beautiful young gal at his side. > > > > He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. > > > > The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. > > > > The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." > > > > At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought > > another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler > > said. > > > > The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with > > excitement. > > > > The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." > > > > The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by > > check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now > > and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the > > ring up Monday afternoon," he said. > > > > Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that > > account." > > > > "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend! > > > > > > Don't mess with Old People$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ FOUR RULES TO LIVE BY I met this guy and he has a motto he lives by everyday. He said listen carefully and live by these 4 rules: Drink, Steal, Swear, & Lie. I was shaking my head no, but he then told me to listen while he explained his four rules. So here they are: Drink from the "everlasting cup" every day. Steal a moment to help someone that is in worse shape than you are. Swear that you will be a better person today than yesterday. And last, but not least, when you lie down at night thank God you live in America and have freedom. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Calm Down/Shut Up/Quit Trippin'

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."


So many times we make situations more than they are
due to our anxiety,



CALM DOWN ! God has your life under control; He knows
how to handle even the seemingly complex situation
&n bsp; with ease.

SHUT UP ! Stop having pity parties and talking about
your business all the time; don't you know that the
power of death and life is in the tongue! Stop
speaking ne gative things into existence in your life
and in others.

QUIT TRIPPIN' ! When you look at your situations
through your eyes, you often read more into the
situation than what is there. It's not as bad as you
think particularly if God is in your life; Stop over
&nbs p; analyzing your life.


Be courageous
2 Timothy 1:7 - "For God hath not given us the spirit
of fear; but of power, and of Love, and of a sound
mind.
Fear is not of God. Have the courage to step out on
fai th and do the seemingly impossible. Start your own
business; go into the ministry; apply for that
promotion; anything that you've been afraid to do and
you know that God has called you to do - JUST DO IT!
;


Have confidence
Philippians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ
which strengthens me."
Remember, greater is He that's within you than he
that's in the world. You have the power of the most
High God working in you, and you have His Son steadily
making intercession for you. You have nothing to worry
about! Walk with your head up! You say you have low
self-esteem; somebody told you that you'd never amou nt
to anything; the devil is a liar! Know that you are
somebody not because Jesus said it, but because you
are a child of The King!



Walk in the VICTORY !
Romans 8:28 - "And we know that all things work
together for good to them that love God, to them who
are the called according to His purpose."

Does anything else need to be said?
The jury has been out and the verdict is in - YOU WI N!


In your finances - YOU WIN!
On your job - YOU WIN!
In your relationships (married, single, divorced,
family, friends) -YOU WIN!!
In your health - YOU WIN!

God has already worked it out for you. It may not come
the way you think it should come (or when you think it
should), but remember - CALM DOWN, SHUT UP, AND QUIT
TRIPPIN '! He's working it out for "YOUR" good (in His
; time).


$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ THE NEW WAY TO APPROVE A MAN
(In the way of a Credit Application)

Name
Last First Middle
Address:
Address City State Zip
Telephone: Home # Work# Cell#
Date of Birth: Age SS#
Weight Height
Ethnicity: (check) Black Hispanic White Other

Do you live with any of the following: (circle)
Grandmother Parents Mother Father Girlfriend Baby Mama Alone
Shelter Wife Auntie Other

Any Children (circle yes or no)
Yes No If yes, how many
How many Baby Mamas? If more than one, please name below.
Use separate sheet of paper if need more room.
1.
2.
3.
Ever been married (circle ) Yes No If yes, how many times?
Are you or have you ever been on the Down Low? (circle one) Yes No (If you answer "Yes" STOP RIGHT HERE!!)
Do you owe child support? Yes No Don't Know
*If your ex-wife is getting state benefits (childcare, food stamps, etc), then you owe somebody something. Especially tax payers. Stop here and go take care of your dang kids.

Education:
Did you graduate from high school? (circle ) Yes No Name of high school (if yes)
Have you received any of the following? (Circle One) GED Diploma Nothing
*If you did not complete any of the above, please Stop here and return to school.
Any college? (circle one) Yes No Still Enrolled: Yes No Graduated
Have you ever been to jail? (circle one) Yes No If yes, what for? (be very specific)










Have you ever been to prison? (circle one) Yes No
*If you have answered yes to the above question, please Stop here and call your P.O. immediately.
Employed? (circle) Yes No *If no, please Stop here and go get a job!!
If yes, where and how long?
Do you have health insurance? Yes No
When did you last visit the dentist?
When was the last time you have been to the doctor? _ Yes No What for?
List any (all) illnesses. Use separate sheet of paper if needed.
Do you have or have you had any of the following? (please circle all that may apply)
Hepatitis
A or B or C Herpes Mononucleosis HIV/AIDS The Bird Flu West Nile Virus Crabs
Chlamydia Gonorrhea SARS Head Lice Ringworms Boils Sex Change
Shingles Meningitis Measles Mumps Ebola Bunions Virus
A Cold Something that you can't spell

*If you have circled any of these, Stop here do NOT turn in your application. See the doctor immediately!
Do you or have you ever used (ingested in any way) any of the following: (circle all that apply)(stop here , check yourself in to rehab)
Crack/Cocaine Heroin Paint Markers Ecstasy Glue Bad pills Snuff
Anything under the kitchen sink

*Please use a separate sheet of paper to compile a list of goals and accomplishments.
By signing below, you agree that all of the information given above is true to the best of your knowledge. For my protection, you may be asked to provide the following information upon request: state ID, birth certificate, recent payroll stub, a recent clean bill of health from a certified physician or practitioner.
Falsifying information may result in termination of this relationship (if applicable), and a severe a** whooping by my project cousins Pookie, Ray-Ray, Darnell, Lil Krazy or all of the above.



Applicants Signature Date:
Print Name :
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Although your life may not be as perfect as you'd like, you can always look around and find people who are worse off than you. Be grateful for the problems you don't have. Take some quiet time away from the noise and haste, and count your blessings. Take inventory. Start with the people in your life who bring you joy and satisfaction; they are a gift to you. Be thankful for the choices you've made, both good and bad. Accept your mistakes and go on. You can't change them anyway. Learn from them and apply what you've learned. Don't allow them to have more influence on your life than they deserve. They're just mistakes; they're not your final grade. Besides, making them now may keep you from making bigger mistakes in life later. Use them to help you with other choices so you won't keep doing the same things again. Go outside and walk bare foot on the grass. Enjoy the colors of the landscape; romp and play. Smile at the world, and marvel at the wonders of the universe. Embrace the air; be thankful. Don't allow any negative feelings to creep into your consciousness. Feel the power of your own acceptance. Put a positive spin on every thought you have. Bask in the glory of awareness. Experience the joy of praise. You're alive! Appreciate the gift of your life. (Author Unknown)

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Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate,our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light,not our darkness that most frightens us.We ask oueselves,"Who am i to be brilliant,gorgeous,talented and fabulous?"Actually,who am i not to be?You are a child of God;your playing small doesn`t serve the world.There is nothing enlightened about shrinking os that other people won`t feel insecure around you.We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.It is not just in some of us,it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.As we are liberated from our fears our own presence automatically liberates others. By Nelson Mandela

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Footprints in the Sand


One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.


Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.


When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.


He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.


He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.


This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:


"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:


"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."



written by Mary Stevenson


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Men`s Five Secrets To A Perfect Relationship"


1. It`s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It`s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It`s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn`t lie to you.

4. It`s important to have a woman who is great in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It`s very, very important that these four women don`t know each other $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
"i enter your church you recieve my offering our screaming choirs merge" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

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