Chthonic_X's Blog

I realized something that came to me recently. A person is looking for someone to enhance their life's energy. We all have a "glow" that makes who we are, but some more than others have a "glow" that not only enhances their partner's life, but everyone else around them. We want to be near that person constantly. We are attracted to them like a moth to a flame. I can honestly say I want the same qualities in a woman. That "glow" not only with enhance my life, but anyone's that is around her. Our combined glow will burn brighter than anything. The fire and intensity will burn away all of the garbage life throws at us. That's is worth dying for.

I realized that I can't help who I have feelings for. All I know is that when they do happen, they are real. I'm not afraid to express them. I just want to know the "Truth" in return. If you don't like me, love me or hell even bad breath....let me know. I was talking to a friend and they mentioned that people are afraid of the truth because a person doesn't want to either be the "Bad Guy" or be Hurt in the process. Isn't better to learn the facts so we can live and not wonder what's up? No, it's easier to take the path of least resistance. My thoughts, but who cares about them.

Per fec tion
-noun
1. the state or quality of being or becoming perfect.
2. the highest degree of proficiency, skill, or excellence, as in some art.
3. a perfect embodiment or example of something.
4. a quality, trait, or feature of the highest degree of excellence.
5. the highest or most nearly perfect degree of a quality or trait.
6. the act or fact of perfecting.

I'm the first to admit I'm not perfect. I don't strieve for perfection. I want to be the best person I can be for myself and my daughter. Why is it that never good for any one? It appears I don't fall into their ideas of what they want in a Person. It's okay though, but it does hurt sometimes. I was told once to look beyond the faults and you'll find the true person beyond the cracks. I will admit to having standards, but I must now. I'm concerned on whom I bring around my daughter. I don't want to judge someone, but it's hard making sure that this person is not only good for me, but will be good around her. She innocent and I want that trust to remain. I don't know, maybe I should give up. It appears that maybe it's not my time anymore to care for someone else. Maybe I don't deserve it. I'm going to focus on her. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to be hurt. I know it's unavoidable and something we all go through, but Damn that doesn't make it feel any better. I came across something that made me write this. It does ring a truth about certain things. To allot of people it still doesn't matter.

A Good Black Man

Good Black Men are indeed all around us. We pass them on the streets, in the malls, and the halls at work. Most we can't see because we don't know what a good man really looks like. He usually isn't flashy enough or rich enough to turn our heads. He might not wear a suit or push a Lexus. He might not have a body like Tyson with a Denzel face. But, as you mature, you realize it's better to find someone who's got your back rather than someone who turns your head.

A good man doesn't agree wholeheartedly with everything you say. He doesn't just tell you what you want to hear and do the opposite. He doesn't declare how sensitive, sweet, caring, sincere, etc. he is (he won't have to because it shows). He has his own opinions and yours may clash, but he doesn't have to degrade you to prove he's right. He even admits at times to being wrong, especially if you are willing to do the same.

A good man is not going to meet every item on your checklist. He is human with frailties and faults mixed in with all of his wonderful, strong attributes. He needs your love and respect. He needs to feel that you don't live to catch him doing something wrong so you can declare, "Aha! I knew you were a dog!"

A good man isn't insecure about his woman having great achievements. In fact, he is her number one supporter and becomes disappointed with her when she begins to lose herself, especially for the sake of not hurting his feelings, or only wanting to make him happy. His happiness comes with seeing her excel in her dreams and accomplishing her goals. For as she excels and is exalted, a good woman will bring her good man right along with her.

A good man doesn't necessarily give you a huge birthday or Valentine's gift. He shows his love in the ways that are comfortable to him. Don't judge him by TV standards. No one is really living a fairy tale. You'll miss out on your own fairy tale by buying into the myth that our men are no good. It's just not true.

A good black man is a man of his word. He says what he means and means what he says. His word is his bond. He never leaves you wondering if he is going to call or show up - he is dependable. A good black man has a love and a heart for God. As his relationship and love with and for God grows so will his relationship and love with and for you grow

I realized something...... "What will it take for someone to love me for me?" It seems to come with some "Clause" or "Condition". Why are we placing boundries on our feelings? Why can't we accept someone for who they are and not what they are? Better Yet, what can they do for "Me"? I see a person whom I believe is amazing, but has escape my grasp again. I may be SLOW on the UPTAKE.......Maybe it's me, I can Take a Hint.

I was talking with a friend and he told me something that I would never thought I'd hear from him. "I'm not looking for a girlfriend, I'm looking for a WIFE." I was Floored. Here's one of my best friends whom for years, had claimed he would be the last of us to get married and have children, wanted a family. I was surprised, shocked and astonished. After thinking about what he said, I realized there's nothing wrong with it. I wanted the same too. It has escaped my grasp, but I still desire for it. I've been told, "NEVER look for your wife". I always thought, why not? The classic responds is, "You shouldn't appear NEEDY, THEY see that as sign of weakness". Like they relate their own past experiences as my own. I will admit that SOME people use my good nature for their own selfish ends. Do I Care? NOPPER. I've learned GOD has blessed me more than others and the good I still do will come back. I don't have any dilemma about doing the wrong thing. That's not in my nature. SO.....I'm left asking, do I want what my friend said? I'm pondering, thinking, SOUL searching and my conclusion is the same. HELL to the Yes. Why not? I want to marry a person who compliments me. She will be an Equal, a Queen and a Goddess. I don't want to say she will be "My" Equal, b/c I don't possess someone. To imply "My" means to own a possession or a sense of property. Some Men think of their spouses that way. I don't want to argue the moral differences, I'm not that way. I want her to enhance my life. I want her to make me a better person. She will have the power to enrich my daily experience. I want her to know when I make my promise before GOD, I will be true. This for the record will be ONE time only. I don't believe in quit or leave. Of course I can want all I want, I have to work for it and she will know I'm going to do the DAMN thang. It's a dream, but dreams can come true. So, I have to wait and dream. "What dreams may come......?"

I'm sitting here writing this with amazement. I recently read an article that raised an eyebrow. I want make sure my words are correct, it's titled "A woman's guide to spotting bad men". It was writen by Sandra Brown. According to the article the "dangerous men" are placed in 8 "flavors".

The permanent clinger, the parental seeker, the emotionally unavailable man, the man with a hidden life, the addict, the mentally ill man (especially when they're off their meds or not in treatment), the abusive or violent man and - most dangerous of all - the emotional predator, who can smell a victim a mile away.

Reading this brings to thought what a freind of mine told me recently about dating someone new. "Don't crucify me for what the previous man may have done or what your father may have done." It amazes me how the article and she said relate to each other. I'm the first to say I'm not a perfect person. My flaws make me who I am. Do I fall into those "flavors" that are mentioned? I know I don't. I wouldn't want anyone to classify me as such based on how someone's opinion or FEAR. In some form or another we have been hurt. I believe what makes the foundations of an indivual is how we deal with that hurt. It can't be allowed to fester and determine the course of our actions. Fear is a powerful emotion. So powerful is it, that it has been used to dectate the course of human history. I have embraced my fear, I can not allow it to affect me. Fear can also be a good thing also. It shows us that we're human. It allows us to overcome adversity, it reminds us not to be hurt by the "Flavors" . So...I have to ask, "Why bother?". I asked, because why bother seeking that new connection when you just expect that new person to act the same as the previous connection before. I'm being sarcastic. Not everyone believes that. Not everyone is afraid. I also recognize that their fear is ALSO justified for their own personal reasons. I'm curious though...if we're are afraid to be hurt why are we still here. Truthfully, we're not, the fear has gone, the pain has gone. The Love I have is still there. It's mine and no one can take it away. It has overcome the sadness, the guilt and all that makes it B/S. The past can't hurt anymore. The only thing I want is the future, the horizion, the journey and Yes I do want the pain. Because if it hurts this much it makes it all worth it. Stay Blessed. The Phoenix has still been reborn.

The article I mentioned is on this website.

http://www.despardes.com/lifestyle/nov05/111505-spotting-bad-men.htm

I Read this and was wondering...."When will people start telling the truth?". We only have one life, one heart and one soul. You're coming through once and that's it. Then....Why is it wrong to tell someone you love them? Why is it wrong to fall for someone at first glance? Why do we keep taking chances? I know why, but no one seems to care. I care and I'm not afraid to tell that someone I love her. She will know what that means even if it cost me my life. I like the way it rolls of the tounge when it's said and that's no lie.