CamuiMS's Blog

I think I can officially file myself under "jaded angsty emo kid". Well for the slight exception I'm far from being a kid.

I guess I went through my Renaissance/Enlightenment young and now I'm just useless. I have no idea what to do with my life. None. It feels like a box was opened and now the world is just lying flat around, all four sides, without a single thing in sight. I used to have plans but I just don't know a thing anymore. Maybe I'm just going through 'midlife crisis' early too. Getting it out of the way.

I feel like scum. As much as UNC cost my poor parents, and I'm just twiddling my thumbs and in a permanent slump. I've always been an advanced placement, honors students. I've never really had to work hard or study hard for a thing in life. Now I realize how much of a coddled, sheltered, spoiled brat I am. Now now one is saying 'Oh, you are such and such's girl? Well of course you can ...". Now that things aren't coming to me with ease anymore. Everyone had such high hopes for me. I feel really bad for letting everyone down.

Maybe it's not that I can't find anything I want to do. Maybe it's just that I've stop caring about everything. Just lost interest in everything pertaining the living world around me. That line in Last Dance With Mary Jane that goes "tired of this life, tired of this town". I can so relate. Everything is so worn down at the edges. Everything has been done to death. Maybe it's arrogance that I won't be like everyone else and do those things, that have been done and done and done. If it won't be something brand new for me, then I don't want to bother it. I don't have any sort of Midas Touch, so why bother?

Weltschmerz: world-weary. finding despair with the world.

The Pessimist

Nothing to do but work,

Nothing to eat but food,

Nothing to wear but clothes

To keep one from going nude.

Nothing to breathe but air

Quick as a flash 't is gone;

Nowhere to fall but off,

Nowhere to stand but on.

Nothing to comb but hair,

Nowhere to sleep but in bed,

Nothing to weep but tears,

Nothing to bury but dead.

Nothing to sing but songs,

Ah, well, alas! alack!

Nowhere to go but out,

Nowhere to come but back.

Nothing to see but sights,

Nothing to quench but thirst,

Nothing to have but what we've got;

Thus thro' life we are cursed.

Nothing to strike but a gait;

Everything moves that goes.

Nothing at all but common sense

Can ever withstand these woes. 

Benjamin Franklin King 

Leonard Peltier's parole was denied.

I feel so lost and empty. I've been following Peltier's case since I learned about him in university some 8 years ago. Writing, emailing, calling. Making donations, sticking flyers. I've been waiting for weeks, hoping praying, after his July parole hearing that he'd be granted parole. Then today, I check my twitter. DENIED. Everything kinda felt far off when I read that word, like it was someone else I was reading about or myself.

I recently finished Morrison's A Mercy:

He lay wracked with pain and in moral despair; they told him about themselves, and when he felt even worse, he got an answer from God saying, Who on earth do you think you are? Question me? Let me give you a hint of who I am and what I know. But a peek into Divine knowledge was less important than gaining, at last, the Lord's attention. Which...was all Job ever wanted. Not proof of His existence-- he never questioned that. Nor proof of His power- everyone accepted that. He simply wanted to catch His eye. To be recognized not as worthy or worthless, but to be noticed as a life-form by the One who made and unmade it.

I think that's all anyone wants. Because what good does an aloof god do to us, while we crawl on our bellies like worms in the dirt? Trying, trying, trying to scratch something good and honest out for ourselves even when the rest of the world is consumed with self-interest. What good does it do to Peltier, or anyone, wasting away ina concrete box for a crime he didn't commit? So please please, if You're there and can hear us, please just notice Mr Peltier.  Because what the hell is the point of trying to do the right thing-- being upright, ans spending a lifetime struggling to get free of the mire- if You don't intend to pay us anymind?

All I know for certain is that I don't trust any human being to do the decent thing anymore, if such thing as decency still (or ever) existed.Just a little Divine Providence, is all I ask.

for the pseudo-curious. I took my profile off the front page, because let's face, 3/4 of BP seems to be illiterate or just flat out too lazy to read 5 sentences. So here we go:

• I'm Alicia.
• I'm 5'5'', 105lbs.
• I'm single. NOT looking.
• I have no children. I believe it's WRONG to have kids out of wedlock; it shows a lack of responsibility, imo.

Interest/hobbies/personality:

• I love music. I suck at flute and clarinet though.
• Palm/mound reading, tea leaf reading, tarot cards. especially ruin stones.
• I am Christian.
• I love cats. If you hate cats, I doubt we'll get along.
• I love reading.
• I'm a gamer (rpgs).
• I bittorrent a lot.
• I'm into webdesign. All my domains are listed on the front page.
• I graduated from UNC Chapel Hill c/o 06 with a BA in Asian Studies.
• Currently studying Networking, in preparation for the CCNA exam
• I can speak Japanese so-so. Mandarin, I'm a newb who frequently bu dong le.
• Spanish, I've studied since like elementary school. But i'm not fluent at all.
• I like fiddling with computers, electronics, laptops.
• I use XP and Ubuntu, dual booted.
• I've taken some basic programming classes. and of course i know html, css, dhtml, some java, some php, xhtml.
• I DO NOT like rap music. if mainstream rap is your life, then please move along

Sooo my purpose on BP? To make friends/network, whichever. If you have some things in common from the aforementioned hobbies/interest, than please by all means.

"Where do you get the right to decide our lives? I'll tell you where. From that little hog's gut that hangs between your legs. Well, let me tell you something... you will need more than that. I don't know where you will get it or who will give it to you, but mark my words, you will need more than that.... You are a sad, pitiful, stupid, selfish, hateful man. I hope your little hog's gut stands you in good stead, and you take good care of it, because you don't have anything else. "

-Song of Solomon (Magdalene to her brother, Milkman)

This echos my thoughts exactly. Too many men like to "Display us, then splay us...parade us like virgins through Babylon, then humiliate us like wh0res in Babylon". Where the hell do they get off? Do they think that little pathetic sack of flesh and skin dangling between their legs gives them say. Right to say anything against a woman, when without one, they wouldn't be alive. When their mother is a woman who spread her legs are far as she could and bore down to bring him  into the world. So that gives him the right to speak to women anyway they want? Treat women any way he sees fit???

What is the deal with constantly throwing around the word "wh0re". "slut".  Knowing it's a spiteful thing to say to a woman. Men can take that little drop of flesh between their legs and stick it knothole or where ever they like it it makes them more manly, but should a woman decide to express herself freely, she's dirty? Are you serious.

How do they know a woman is a whore? Are they omnipresent? A seer? Are they present in her bedroom constantly? Is he privy to her behavior because she lets him know? And if they think that way, and still sleeping with that woman, what makes them not a wh0re? Because that appendage hangs loosely from them and isn't neatly tucked  secret inside them like God tucked it inside us, it's okay?  Disgusting....

It doesn't matter how any women a man sleeps with, so long as the women he takes to his bed are all virgins who only sleep with him. Fuck1ng hell....

Men AND the hog's gut between their legs disgust me most of the time. I'd rather be single then put up with their obnoxious, self-righteous bullsh1t. It takes strength to be a woman. Especially a Black women in America. and it reminds me of the poem "Ain't  I a Woman":

"...he says women can't have as much rights as men,
'Cause Christ wasn't a woman!
Where did your Christ come from?
Where did your Christ come from?
From God and a woman!
Man had nothing to do with Him."

Except Sojourner  made a mistake. MEN did have something to do with Christ. MEN betrayed and CRUCIFIED Him. Christ, that God made and a woman carried carefully for nine months, and suffered to bring into the world. MEN tortured and humiliated him and took him away from this world. So what makes men so good? So good they have the ADACITY to look down their noses. I bet this world would be better off and more peaceful a place if the world was matrilineal. And women held the power. Instead of men and their stupid testoterone 24/7.

I'm so frustrated right now....

"If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back , and get it right side up again!"

I have read all of Miss Toni Morrison's novels. Read all of them (Save for The Bluest Eye, which I read years back) between January and March of this year. I'm sort of fiendish that way; I go overkill wth things I enjoy. Eat food I like until I can't breathe, listen to a song on repeat until I hate it, read Toni Morrison books one right after the other. So I finally tracked down a copy of Tar Baby and read that last month.

I'm kinda bummed now. I think I will write a short story as a sequel to Song of Solomon, because Guitar really let me down in the end. I feel like Song of Solomon ended too abruptly. I know it's plain of me, but I like conclusiveness.

Perhaps find another writer who writes in a style similar to hers?

I tried to read something else. Mot recently I picked up some translated from French book called "Nausea"; about some guy who wakes up one day and everything disgusts him "like a nausea stirred and rose up deep from the depths of my soul.." something like that. The guy just made a diary of how each little thing/event in his day to day life that he had taken no notice of before seemed to suddenly result in unbearable revulsion.... seemed interesting enough, but in the end, got boring, ever finished it. Good premise, poorly delivered. But it could have been the translation. I am a firm believer that so much is lost in translation. There's a feeling behind words that gets lost (maybe due to cultural differences) when you translate; maybe they're impossible to translate.

I've read all the biology related books I can handle for right now (sometimes a good escape from reality via fiction or games or a good film is needed). Last year I read some book on fungus I believe. There was a chapter on how people are living lives far too sterilized nowadays, which is why we develop allergies and the like. I think a part of me realized that, but it enforces the "God made dirt, so dirt don't hurt rule".

what a boring, rambling post, right? meh, i really love reading and books. I should buy a Kindle or some other Ereader. That should be my next purchase....

Sorry, but I don't feel it's attractive at all. As such I don't see how anyone else can find it attractive. But live and let live, yah? It just bothers me that really big people try to talk about how "sexy" they are, like it's a fashion statement being big. Weight isn't the same thing as being some scene kid, it's NOT good for your health. People aren't meant to carry all that weight on them. Sedentary lifestyle, blah blah, cheaper foods being very high calorie. To me, that's the same as glamorizing smoking or drinking or any other vice. Gluttony and sloth are deadly sins. And it does kill, from diabetes to hear failure, high blood pressure, etc. Too much weight taxes your body, no ifs ands or buts about it. If you are curvy and healthy and your BMI is straight, then more power to you! I'm in no way endorsing looking like some anorexic Kate Moss type as women are supposed to have curves. But their is a huge difference in curves and big rolls of blubber to an extend you have to waddle more than walk or can't see your feet when you look down. Be serious. And when anyone who isn't plus sized says something, they call it "hating". And make some hateful retort about "skinny" girls. Everyone else can do what they want live how they want. I'll concern myself with myself and my loved ones. I for one, am not attracted to and (shamefully yet honestly admit) am frankly slightly repulsed by large men. I'd never date anyone big. Meh