TheAlchemist311's Blog

It's happened...and I can't nor will I deny it. That woman that I've asked God for...I've found her, by pure accident too I might add. And of all places...I met her on here...BP of all places. Who would've thought! I usually have horrible luck when it comes to talking to women on here, and far be it from me to critisize anyone for having met anyone online, but I never thought I would be one of those guys who would meet anyone besides a few people that I can proudly call my friends. I feel like I've hit the lottery or the jackpot on a slot machine in Vegas. My every waking moment is spent thinking about her, wondering how her night was even though she was sleep, wondering if she'll have a good day at work, anticipating the next time I'll see her again which by the way, has been everyday since the day I met her. So, to give a little background to fill everyone in. We talked for a couple days over the net. I sent her a message after having a lengthy chat with my phone number. Not knowing if she'll even call me at all, because let's face it, most people are put into the same catagory....online stalker/serial rapist/all around crazy guy/thirsty and perpetualy horny.... but I took a chance and I'll be a monkey's uncle if she didn't call me the very next day. We talked until 2 or 3 in the morning. The next day, I called her when I got off work and asked her if when I'd be able to see her in person. To my surprise, she said whenever. Not really knowing how to respond, I said this coming saturday. Anyway, to make a long story short, we decided to meet at a 24hr Starbucks and see what happens. We ended up spending...no bulls*it...8 1/2 hrs there talking and getting to know each other. It was like we shoulda punched in and started serving coffee to the customers. Anyway, ever since that saturday, 3 weeks ago, there hasn't been one day that I've been away from her for more than 8 or 10 hrs at a time. I've never been more attracted to any woman in my life, nor have I ever wanted to spend all of my free time with anyone either. so this is uncharted territory for me and I'm not sure of the direction we're headed in, but I do know that this woman, is the woman I've asked God for and she is the woman I was meant to be with.

One more thing before I end this blog...if you or anyone you know ever doubts the power of prayer, or the unmistakeable, everlasting, undenyable love that our Father God has for us, I urge you or pursuade that person to take another look at what He has to offer you or them. Regardless of our mistakes, our sins, our bad choices in life, who we've done wrong or who has done wrong to us, our bad habbits, or our misguided ways, God and his only son Jesus will never give up on us. They will always give us what we ask for but more importantly give us what we need and they will do so without question. All He asks for is our undying faith and devotion and love. I am living proof of this and I hope I've inspired someone, if it only be one person, to turn their hearts, their worries, their troubles over to God and let him do what needs to be done to improve their life.

Why does my heart yearn to belong to someone else? Why is it that everyday when I wake up and the nights dreams become a distant memory, does that emptyness always return? Maybe I'm missing a step in life or there's something I haven't accomplished yet. I have no idea. What I do know is that I don't want to be alone. I don't want to go through life without being able to share my expierences with someone. I don't want to continue feeling like I'm on the outside looking in through a small hole in the door. I yearn for a woman to wrap her arms around me and tell me she loves me fully and completely. I yearn for her to console me when I've had a bad day. I want to come home to a home, not just some place that I sleep when I'm tired or have no where else to go. I want to lay next to the woman I love and watch her sleep because she knows she's safe with me and no harm will come to her. I want to feel the warmth of her breath on my cheek when she hugs me. I want her to look at me like she looks at no other man and tell me with just that look, that I've been on her mind all day and my face is the only thing that she's looked forward to. I want to look at her the same way. I want to let her know that no matter how hard or long of a day she's had, I'm here to take that stress away. I want to let her know that my shoulder is always the best spot to lay her head on. I want to let her know that regardless of what's going on in my life, I will always have time for her everyday and not just a specified time that we agreed upon. I want to be able to share her expierences and her view points. I want to give her that look that only I can give that let's her know that she's all I thought about all day and I couldn't wait to see her face when she walked in the door. I want to be able to give her flowers just because it's Tuesday. I want to kiss her so loving and gentely, that it sends shivers down her spine and all through her body. And when I wrap my arm around her, I want to give her that feeling that there's no safer place on God's green earth, than right here and right now. I want her to lay next to me and watch me sleep because she can't take her eyes off of me. And when we wake up in the morning, I want her to say to herself, how did I get so lucky. And I want to say the same to myself about her.

So....I was on youtube, watching a few episodes of my favorite anime, Bleach, and while I was listening to the song at the end, a bunch of emotions that I've hidden and kept locked away, came welling up all at once. I managed to choke em back down and maintain my composure....even though no one was around for me to even justify doing so. It's happened before a few times, but it usually happened when I was listening to a song or the radio when I was driving. Anyway, I'm guessing this co-insides with the dreams I've been having about my ex and the feelings I still have for her. I haven't even seen her face in almost 2 years. I've ran into her once, but I didn't see her face. Yeah I know, how strange. Let me explain. During the summer, maybe a few weeks after I moved back to Milwaukee, I pulled into a Walgreen's and noticed her car there. I pulled up next to her car, looked in and saw the nigga she was cheatin on me with. I hesitated for about a minute, deciding wether I should even go in. Hell I could have gone to a different one cause Lord knows there's another one not even 5 minutes away. So I decided to go in, low and behold, she was there at the register, checking out with her neice. Her neice immediately recognized me and said hi. She half turned her head towards me, greeted me and went out the door. So that's why I didn't see her face. Anyway, the moral to the story is this....I have some things I need to work out before I can move on I guess.

So.........I've given up. I've totally and completely given up on trying to find a woman. I've decided that I'm going to leave it up to God. He's the only one who knows who and where the woman I'm going to marry and spend the rest of my life with is. I've tried to look for her, but all I've run across are women who aren't even worth me paying attention to. Yes there are plenty of women who I find very attractive and would like to get to know, however, none of them are who I'm supposed to be with. I'm tired of having casual sex. It doesn't mean anything and most times it's a waste of my time. Yes I do get horny and want a woman to just lay it on me and wear me the f*ck out, but I'm at the point in my life now where I would rather jerk off than be with another woman who is only worth a good nut. I'm sick and tired of women who don't want anything out of life. I'm sick and tired of dealin with woman who have kids. I mean come on. If I can go 29 years without havin a kid, why can't you. Why is it so hard to tell the dude you f*ckin to put on a condom? Or better yet, why can't you say no and not open ya legs and let a dude you don't even know, bust a hot one in you? Yes I realize that condoms bust. Yes I realize that they slip off and these may be the case with some of you......it's even happened to me. HOWEVER, I've never gotten anyone pregnant because of it......or at least if I have, they never told me. Anywho, I guess I'm just venting because I'm tired of seeing females that haven't even made it to 21 with 2 and 3 kids. So I've decided to be alone. I need to find out who I truely am and find out what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life, so I'm taking a very long hiadus from women. I think there might be something in my life that I need to change or improve upon before that woman I've been searching for makes herself known to me.