WorPhenomenal's Blog

The Sun Shines

I didn't realize that I'd caused so much self-damage.

Imagine...

Knowing what the sun looks like, only from memory. I remember it being round, and bright. Warm....on my skin. Warm in my hair. Causing my eyes to squint sometimes. I know it's still there, because I've seen it, and can vouch for its existence.

It's been years since I've seen the sun.

I've been covered in the muck of my life - covered initially by others, then finally...slathering the gook on myself. I'd wet it, then smooth it on. Pack some grass in there that was on the ground around me, and make it thicker and thicker. Higher and higher. It started out as just a ring on the ground around me - meant to represent a line that I didn't want people to cross. My "personal space". Soon it turned into a small retaining wall. Then a dividing wall, followed and built up finally to a supporting structure wall. I don't know how I perfected the art of making the mud so high and round at the top, that it didn't fall on my head. The sunlight got dimmer and dimmer. Eventually all the sides met into the very center above, and formed a ceiling. An airtight mound - it became a cave of mud...that has over the years, hardened. I didn't realize that I had completed a roof and completely blocked the sunlight, until it was gone and dark. The earthen shell covering me was hard as a rock. I lit my cave with my own dingy man-made light. But I remember the sun's attributes. I was content in my new home. I didn't need the sun.

Until this pinhole of blinding light showed up one day.

It was sharp and thin as a needle. I didn't even notice it right away, until I was laying down in my cave...and this pinpoint of light caught me right in my eye. Blinded me in my right eye for about 2 whole minutes. I did something I'd learned how to do since being locked in this cave - I cussed. I said "what the f*ck?!?!?" This had become normal language for me. Cussing and discussing with myself was normal behavior at that point. I said "what the f*ck?!?!!?" with no qualms or flinches. But anyway, I thought at first there was something wrong with my right eye, because I didn't recognize what this needle-thin beam of light was. Maybe I was just going blind. I moved, and seen that the light didn't. It pierced into the ground right where I was just laying. I waved my hand in front of it, and it sunk in - this light was coming from somewhere ELSE.

I looked up. There was a hole in the roof of my cave.

How did it get there? I reached up for a closer look, and seen that it was perfectly round and tiny. It was perfect. Someone DID this. Intentionally. My shell was breached.

I was full of mixed emotions:

I was angry - that someone intentionally ruined all the work I'd put in to making the roof of my f*cking cave perfect and airtight. That now, if it were to f*cking rain, I'd have a damned leak!!! Water would seep, if not stream, into my safe haven...and oh my God! since every other area of my dungeon was water tight, water could fill up, rise and I could drown!!! I panic in my anger...even though there's no reason to think it's going to rain. But I'm ANGRY. Who the F*CK did this?!?!?!!?

I was scared - somebody was trying to get in!!!! Would they hurt me? Kill me? Ruin my home altogether?? What does this mean?!?!? WHAT IS HAPPENING??? WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME????

I was sad - I keep to myself, hoping that I would be left alone. I try to mind my own business, and hopefully live in peace. Someone was trying to steal my peace, for no reason. Sure, I got lonely sometimes, but the alternative of living with the disruption and chaos from others was not an option. I'm sure I didn't do anything to deserve this. I was sad that it was happening to me unprovoked. I didn't deserve this.

At the gut bottom of all these other emotions...there was a glimmer of my former self....a shadow....an illusion of a figure of what was once me. She was happy. She was relieved. It took me a second to even realize that she was still here, in my cave, with me...still. I almost didn't recognize her. I had forgotten her, much like I'd forgotten the sun. I made her sit in the far corner of this cave for years and not utter a f*cking word, because it was HER fault that I had to build this cave in the first place. Maybe this "someone" who was trying to get in, was after her. But there she was, at this moment....standing up. Like a ghost in the darkness.

She was me, and she was.....HAPPY!

I read HOPE all over her face, and could tell, she wanted....OUT.

But wait..I know I forced her silence, and I know I brought her here against her will, but...I was PROTECTING her! I did this for her own GOOD!

The beam of sun was getting brighter...and wider. Powder and small chunks of dry, caked-up dirt was falling near my head onto the ground around me. Someone was CHIPPING at that hole. Right now!!

I panicked. I looked at her, and she looked panicked, too. But in a hopeful way. F*cking b!tch!!!

The light is blinding me. It's getting brighter and brighter. I already feel the heat warming up my cave. I see a shadow of someone up there moving....chipping....stripping away at my fortress. Damaging it. Whittling it away.

She steps into me, and uses my voice, and yells "I'm IN HERE!!!! Hurry!!!"

What the f*ck!?!?!?! I pushed her back into the corner...to the ground. Where's my water? I grab my water...and scoop up a handful of the dry, cold ground...and pat the water into it. Patting it...and kneading...quickly....into a mud pie. I reach up and press it into this hole, that's become the size of a golfball already!!!! I pat it there...hold it there...trying feverishly to patch it closed. It's a wet mound though...and DAMN IT...someone is still trying to pick through and wet chunks crumble and fall back to the ground....

I fall to the ground.

Please stop!!! I'm AFRAID.

I cover my eyes, and ball up on the ground. I can't look at the sunlight around me. It's too hot and bright, but I can FEEL it.

I AM AFRAID. I am going to die. I take a deep breath in....and empty my lungs slowly, until there's no...more....breath. I'm ready.

Take me now.







There's a warm hand on my shoulder. Brushes my arm...then my face. Caresses my hair, pulling it away from my cheek. Pulls my hands from my eyes. I open them, and squint at the light, that has engulfed this room. There is no more ceiling of earth - it's completely gone. I look at the silhouette, and as my eyes begin to adjust, I look into her eyes. She takes my hands....both into hers...and pulls me up to my feet. I feel like I don't even have legs, but somehow I rise up. Up. To her eye level.

She hugs me. She pulls me into her, and we MERGE.

I feel her joy. I feel her hope. I feel her love. I see her memories, I see the hurt and fear, and feel her pain. But her heart is bigger than all of that. It vibrates against my chest, and I feel like I'm choking on it. I feel her thoughts, and dreams, and desires, even through the noise in the background of the dry walls around us crumbling down. I hear them thunk without vibration to the ground. I feel everything she is feeling, and hear everything she is hearing, and although I'm still afraid, I feel her peace. I feel the tears, too. They're wet on my face.

I hear another voice. It's saying "No doubt". It's coming from the person who broke through my cave.

I see him.








The sun is awful bright. I don't remember it being this bright. My eyes are sensitive to it still, and my ashen skin is in a lot of shock. I don't know how to adjust to it yet - it's very painful - but, through God, I will. I have to. I'm exposed.

And, the sun will forever shine.

The Just-Wanna-F*ck-but-Pretend-I-Want-More's

Before I get hot and heavy into this one, I must say that MANY of the men who feel this way, do so for legitimate reason! I am sorry, but there are just some sorry a$$ women out there that have created these monsters, and made it really hard for the women who are NOT all about the shallow gold-diggin....

But...carrying on....

Athough this is a difficult subject to talk about, without the possibility of offending someone, I have to say it: Men...not every woman wants your f*cking money! LOL!!! Please assess the woman you are interacting with individually, before deciding to take the defensive and assume that she, and every single woman roaming this earth, is out to rob you of every linty cent in your pocket! OK, so some woman may've used you, and taken advantage of you - "milked" you - for as much as they could get, but not every woman is that way. I don't want your money - I just want to have a good, chill time! Sue my a$$!!! What's even worse is the frustration and humor of dealing with men who got the nerve to act like this, who ain't got sh!t to take anyway! You live with someone else, barely got a running car and decent paying job, but you want to treat ME like I'd be stealing from you if you took me out and paid. Get a grip. If YOU asked me out, yes, I believe you SHOULD pay. And if/when we've been out a few times, and have become friends and developed a rapport, then we can discuss and haggle who'll pay, OK? It really should be that simple.

Speaking of haggling, let's talk etiquette for a minute. I do think that there is certain etiquette when it comes to dating. For example, if you ask ME out to dinner, you should be prepared to pay. If I ask YOU to a movie, I should be prepared to pay. The key word here is PREPARED. Who ACTUALLY pays may turn out differently (for example, I OFFER to pay at the last moment, or you suddenly whip out some cash when I reach for my credit card), but the person who invites should be prepared for that date. And if you're NOT prepared, keep your broke a$$ at home, and don't ask nobody out! Wait until your friggin payday, for goodness sakes. Additionally, only after we've established a certain level of comfort with each other, should we discuss and alternate who covers what. You don't discuss that sh!t on a first friggin date!!! Believe it or not, talking about money and who should pay, IS a sensitive subject. It can be a deal-breaker, and at the very least, is sure to make the rest of our date very awkward. I think it can be a case-by-case issue, but initially, I must admit that I am a little old-fashioned and believe that the guy should be prepared to pay for first dates. I stress the term "initially". To rewind in time for a second, men were always expected to cover the costs of taking a woman out on a date, and this was considered part of the COURTING process. Nowadays, things have changed so much - women being more independent with single-motherhood and being the provider, as well as being sexually uninhibited, that the "rules" of courting having changed to where very few things are traditional anymore. I don't believe that everything should be traditional, but now, many men have this general thinking that if they DO put out any money for a date, that they deserve something in return, like, sex. I stress the word BULL-SH!T, and just because you pay for a date, it does not entitle you to anything. If you been going out on 50-first-dates for the past week, and have to dish out $40 a date and your a$$ is broke, that ain't my f*ckin problem! Pace your a$$ then, turbo!!! I don't owe you sh!t, just because you treated me to a meal. Get THAT straight. I am allowed to say that, and not flinch, because I don't regard myself like some kind of trophy or commodity, or something that has to be bought. I know how I am, and I know that if we end up hanging out, there will be times that I will treat you too, but when/if I do, it'll be because I WANT to. It'll be because I enjoy your company, and want to continue spending time with you. It'll be because I appreciate your taking ME out too sometimes. It'll be because you don't EXPECT me to.

That said, I'm gonna take another minute and RANT, because I know some women have completely f*cked that concept up for some men - and therefore in turn, for women like me. Some women not only expect the man to pay for every, single date, but they want...oh, let's see....shoes, clothes, bills to be paid, etc., etc... G-damned b!tches: Thanks for NOTHING!! Thanks for f*ckin him up and the traditional process, so now I gotta deal with a man that I may've liked, but had to cut loose because his stupid a$$ expected me to drive an hour to HIM so he doesn't have to pay $3 a gallon for gas on date number-f*ckin-one, and then looks at me expectantly to pay for my own f*cking movie ticket, even though HIS dumb a$$ asked ME out, because his head is jammed up his a$$ and is obsessed with never allowing a "golddigger" to f*ck him over again. F*ck you - to the stupid man AND the idiot b!tch(es) that made him that way! And FYI - don't you dare ask me out to YOUR favorite restaurant, that I've never been to, for a first date, then ask me to pay for my own f*cking meal when the check comes, either (yes, that sh!t happened, and I ended up paying $50 f*cking dollars for food that I HATED, thank-you-very-much!!!).

*whew*

I had to get that off my chest...lol. Scuse all that french, but I am part Creole, so I get a free "french" pass!

See? My point is...It's a two-way street. Dating is an INTERACTION - a back-and-forth between two people. I don't want your money. If you pay, you don't own me. So unless I give you a valid reason, don't treat me like a golddigger. Not every woman wants you for your money.

Damn you.
I dont want to fall in love.
So what is it that I have to do
To prevent from slippin?
To preserve my vulnerability?
Must I beg you to leave me alone,
When really, I want you to bug me endlessly?
Should I ignore you,
Even if I call you over and over again?
How about I clown you, and tease and joke,
To make light out of this f*cking serious situation...
I dont want to fall in love.
How many times do I have to say it???
I dont want to.
Fall.
In love.

You dont understand how hard I'll fight you
To keep control of myself.
You get too close and I'll spiral up and up
Adrift in beautiful bliss, until
I push and shove you away.
Because I'm serious,
I dont want to fall in love.
I know, I'm sweet as pie...
I'm honest with you, I wont lie.
Until you ask me if I love you,
Because I will look in your eyes,
And tell you... "NO."
I dont want to fall in love.
Just leave me alone.
Stop loving on me...
And let me decide for myself how I should feel.
Or I'll run away
Longer and faster than any marathon.
I'll cry and cuss you out
Before I give up, let up, and let you in.
I swear, I'm falling in love with you.
But I dont want to heal.
I want to stay mindful of the pain
So I dont f*ck up, and give in.

Torment will win.

S.L. (c) 11/13/07

I need to break the negative monotony, and express my POSITIVE feelings about men. All the negatives are bringing me down a little, and even though I will continue to write about them (I feel it's important for me to point them out), I still have so much love and appreciation for the good guys, who need and deserve some attention and recognition, too!

I love you men!!! *smile* I think you are such beautiful creations; strong, mighty, gorgeous and cuddly! From the tops of your heads, to the soles of MOST of your feet!!! lol (y'all know some of y'all feet is way to crusty to love!) I love your many shades and flavors - chocolates, caramels, bananas, and vanillas. I love your sizes and shapes - talls, slims, buff, stocky, etc., etc. I love your curly hair, wavy hair, dark eyes, light eyes, succulent lips, goatees, mustaches, chest hair, broad shoulders, tight hips, six packs, twelve packs, two packs, no packs, sexy hands, sexy arms, hairy legs, tight asses, and....I won't even get into the groin area, because I'm not trying to make this a sexual thing....but DAMN!!!!

Y'all are gorgeous beings.

Absolutely beautiful!!!

Don't be mistaken....love and appreciation does not mean I want you, want to be with you, etc., but I like to admire, and so I will. I also can't generalize this to every single man, because some of y'all simply f*ck it up with your oddities, bad behavior and bad habits (for these, read my other blogs - LOL!).

However, for every intolerable man, there are five others who've got their sh*t together and got their heads on straight - BOTH heads - and you are HOT! I appreciate your integrity, your wisdom and your abilities to tackle life with fists blazing. Y'all have so much to encounter in your journey of manhood - becoming independent, being a provider, being a protector, overcoming obstacles such as ridicule, stereotyping, profiling, discrimination and rejection, yet you still wake up every morning, and take on another day with pride and strength. You men with these qualities, I admire you and look up to you! I don't care how independent women are forced to become (prime example: ME), we still need you! In every way. You are the backbone of our world, and are meant to be the leaders. Just please don't forget that behind every successful man is a supportive, strong woman! I know that sounds so traditional and one-dimensional, but that's they way things were intended to be, and as a people - we've lost touch with our roles!!

Keep it up....and train your sons, nephews and friends the importance of being a good and intelligent MAN.

I think the world of you.

Thank you!!!

What can I say? These men here....just...don't...get it! No matter how much you lay out it, spell it out...sound it out - they just don't get it. They will never get it. These types, unfortunately, you'll have no other choice than to just drop and ignore, because they refuse to understand you. Period.

Example:
Man and woman go out - once, or a few times. Whatever. For some reason, the two just don't mesh, and things aren't flowing, but the guy is still very interested. In spite of the fact that the conversation sucks. In spite of the fact that the woman has an obvious appearance of boredom or nuisance. He is still interested, so, the woman decides she needs to let him know that it's not working. He doesn't "understand" - they seem to be getting along really well. She says "thank you for the lovely evening, but I'm ready to go home". He wants to know why, and if they can hang out for a little while longer. She says she's tired. He says "but tomorrow's Sunday, and you can sleep in". She gets a little annoyed and gets bolder and says, "_____, I'm really not into you. This isn't working for me. We have no chemistry". He says "Why not? I feel a good vibe between us!!" She says, "Maybe we can be friends" (uh-huh! The "Friend" tactic). He says "OK, any way to be closer to you. Can I see you tomorrow?" She says, "No. I'll call you." He takes her home, she gets out the car, he gets out, too, and asks "Can I come in?" She says, "No, I'm tired" (still trying to be nice). He says "I just need to use the bathroom" or "Can I use your phone, my cell phone is dead". She's forced to get firm and mean. He still is nice and doesn't get it.

Can you see where I'm going with this?

I've interacted with a few men who were like this, and must note, that even being firmer and telling them there is no vibe doesn't work. I went out with a guy once, for the first time, and the next day tried to explain to him that I had a good time, but don't think we should go out again. I wasn't feeling him, and we had no connection. I tried to put it tactfully, but he just refused to get it. He asked me why I went out with him. I tried to explain that I had HOPES that we'd have a connection (we didn't - he weirded me out during the date with some real awkward behavior). He still didn't get it. He asked me why I told him I had a good time. I told him that I DID, just not enough to warrant a second date (true). He didn't get it. He said I was being fake. HUH? So, I'm supposed to CONTINUE going out with him because HE wants to, even though I don't? I could not seem to get him to understand that I went out with him HOPING that because we both initially found the other attractive, that there would be chemistry. There wasn't. So instead of leading him on, I told him where I stood. He didn't get it, and because he couldn't understand - or refused to - he in turn cussed me out. I wished him all the best, and told him to never contact me again.

This is definitely a Just-don't-get-it Guy.

Every person - man or woman - should be gifted with God-given common sense, that says, if a person seems or is giving off a clear vibe, either through words or actions, that they are not interested in you....chances are, they really aren't. And IF, said person has the "balls" enough to clearly say so, then they likely mean it. I have yet to meet a person that would say "I'm not really into you" when they really are. There are few things more frustrating than trying to explain or express a feeling to someone who just won't get it. When they have this perfect scenario stuck in their mind about how they think things should be and how they think you should feel, your opinion or feelings will not make sense if they aren't the same. The men who don't get this, are the Just-Don't-Get-It's, and sadly, until they have NO CHOICE but to get it, they WILL NOT.

Write an email and save your breath, because it won't matter either way.

They just won't get it.

I feel that I need to address this type first, because it is such a growing trend that it's becoming ridiculous!

First off, I know that I have a strong personality, and that may be intimidating sometimes, so I apologize in advance if I seem rude, but I'm honestly tired of being more upfront and having more "balls" than the men I encounter. That's just not natural!

So...here goes...

If you don't like someone, or the vibe isn't right - say so!!! Damn! What is the worst that could happen??? That seems so easy and juvenile to point out, but it's obviously easier said than done, since so many men seem to be struggling with this elementary concept. Two people go out - whether the first time, or the fifth - and the vibes are just all wrong, and it's felt all around. The woman (me) feels it, and treads lightly, not promising anything past the here-and-now, trying to feel him out because he's smiling and flirting, but there's this distance that can't be interpreted. I understand that some people cannot cope with being put on the spot, so letting the date end, and approaching the subject after-the-fact, is not beyond me. Let us both go our own way, regroup and collect our thoughts, then broach the subject on our own turf. Right? No confrontation. No pressure. Hide behind the phone, or texting. Safe, right?

Damn. No follow up call. No text. No email. Nothing. Even worse - I give in and get NO RESPONSE!

Ummm.....OK. I'll step up to the plate, and take the man's role again (dammit), and make the first contact and try to confirm the odd vibe. Men, we should NOT be doing this for you!!! However, in spite of doing it, you act even more cowardly by not responding. WTF? I'm not going to b!tch-slap you! I'm not going to friggin BITE you! Did it occur to you that I may have also recognized the non-connection that happened? Has it crossed your mind that, although we're both attractive, that I realize we are just not attracted to each other? It has gotten to the point that post-date-brush-off and flat out dropping-off-the-face-of-the-planet has become an acceptable communication method, and that's sad. That's a new form of lowered standards, that mixed with lazy dating is really inexcusable. Last time I checked, we were GROWN.

(By the way - there IS a distinction between attractiveness and attraction! You CAN find a person to be attractive, but NOT be attracted to them. Take a minute, and soak that in. Use it, it can work to your advantage in many ways!)

Now, all this is going on, and we both realize there's no "match", and we realize that we both do not really want to see each other again, or - worst case - I DO want to see you again, but you're not feeling the same.... (sometimes vice versa). What's a MAN to do?????

Be a man (duh!). Say so! In the name of all things masculine and testosterone-packed, tell the girl SOMETHING! Men, please stop acting like b!tches, and tucking your tails and HIDING. Say something. Anything!!!! Let me help you out, for starters: "You're cool, but not my type", or "I'm not feeling anything between us right now". If that's too hard, resort to the "You're a cool friend" excuse - yeah, still a lil bit cowardly, but at least it's a UNIVERSAL excuse that we ALL know the meaning of!

Simply put, women should not always have to take the lead and initiative to either finalize or start something. Yes, there will be let-downs, disappointments, and even *gasp* rejections. Everyone deals with these sometimes, but how can you be a MAN and not be able to take a punch and keep rollin??? Women have to deal with rejections a lot too, but no matter how strong we are, it's still fact that compared to a man, we are the most vulnerable of the two species. You should be stronger than us - mentally and emotionally, not just physically. Rejection is a part of life. Be stronger, men. Stand up for yourselves, with confidence, and learn to tactfully speak your mind.

As a woman, it may not change the attraction-factor (i.e. I still may not like you), but I'd sure as hell have much more respect and admiration for you as a person, and wish you the best.



Bottom line - MAN UP.

So...I want to lay out the different types of "bad date" culprits we have...and I'm sure I won't even touch on them all, because as much as my karma tries to force me to experience all of these types at least ONCE, I'm only 32, and I'm sure there are many more to go!

I'm going to start off with the most obvious "brands" of men daters we have, then at some point will get around to the "designer breeds", which are just offspring of the main culprits, fashionably customized to the growing trend of today's skanks, divas and prissy princessas.

Off the top of my head, we have:
1. The Cowards
2. The Just-Don't-Get-It's
3. The Don't-Want-Her-to-Take-My-Money Penny-Pinchers
4. The Just-Wanna-F**k-but-Pretend-I-Want-More's
5. The Just-Wanna-F**k's (not too much wrong with y'all, but.....)
6. The Back-Seat Leaders
7. The Fake Pimps and Ballers
8. The Insecure Whiners
9. The Male Divas
10. The Arguers and Fighters
11. The Obnoxious I'm-So-Sexy Superior-Inflicted Delusionals
12. The I-Don't-Wanna-be-Your-Baby's-Daddy Ditchers

Let the training begin....

Some men today need re-teaching. I don't mean that in a condescending, or disrespectful way - and I'm sure many women need re-training also - but, since I don't date women, I must focus on men.

OK, so every individual has their faults and issues. Then personalities come into play. But, at the end of the day, men need a refresher course because real women are sadly taking the brunt of other b!tches' lack of follow-through, which has sadly created a generation of men who don't know how to date, don't know how to be passionate, and who are downright lazy when it comes to interacting with a woman.

Disclaimer coming in....3....2....1.....
Am I going to "male-bash"? No. Just because I say "men" does not mean that I am referring to EVERY man. It's a generalization, focused on the men that it pertains to, and I will not use names. If it doesn't apply - do not take it personal! However, to some it will apply, and as much as I wish that it would be taken as constructive criticism, I am aware that it likely will not. Those lazy men who are content being that way will probably just get pissed off that a woman is calling them out to do something more than they're already doing (God forbid), and I can see that they already do not want to.

The men that these upcoming blogs apply to....are not going to like me much! But maybe...just maybe....someday it'll sink in, and some lucky woman will one day reap the benefits of a man who finally....PAID ATTENTION.....

(view more at http://worphenom.blogspot.com/)

He kissed me. Again. The last time was almost 2 years ago, and I swore I'd never see him again, because he kissed and left me. I missed him though, and we'd stayed in touch...and he wanted to see me. I wanted to see him.

I craved this man. I realize that I still do.

And he kissed me again. I'm not talking some peck on the cheek or lips, or some systematic tongue wrestle. Yeah, okay...so, I have a lip fetish, and when I see or think about beautiful lips, I imagine how I'd like to kiss them. The frustrating thing is that although I've kissed some beautiful lips, I've never had an amazing, out-of-body-experience, crazy-passionate kiss before. Until HIM. And he kissed me again.

He kissed me again, and it wasn't like some horny man going through the motions of foreplay because he HAD to. He wasn't trying to lead UP to something - the KISS was the main dish, and the sex...the dessert.

This man kisses me so wild and freely. He caresses my face, grabs my hair, teases my lips and pulls at them with his. There are no words that can justify the passion!!! He kisses me hard, and then kisses me soft...smooth and aggressive...all in one. He kisses me on top, flips me over, and kisses me more. I touch, grab and stroke his face as we constantly try to get our points across with our lips. My finger traces his lips before biting them, and he promptly takes them and sucks them before our lips battle again.

This is so feverish and hot...and I swear, as before....I....LOSE...CONTROL.

The sex - I can handle. The kiss makes me dead in the water, and vulnerable beyond f**kin belief.

He kisses me like I'd never been kissed...IN. MY. LIFE.



What am I going to do now?