Alliuicious's Blog

A very close friend of mine died.

http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2009/11/brother_blue_a.html

I've only had the pleasure of knowing him for the past five years. I've always made a point of remembering his words and what they meant.

Blue told me many things. I'm going to try to share what one of them meant to me. The words are mine; but the feeling is all his.

We are like a catterpillar, scuttiling on the ground. We don't look up; we don't look to the side. All we know is the dirt and the others like us; but we don't really see them. We're blind. To ourselves and each other we are blind. But, sometimes there is a change. A metamorphisis. And a catapillar is transformed into a beautiful butterfly. That butterfly rises high above the earth and for the first time can see beyond its own nose. As a catapillar you need to find your catalyst. For some it is religion; others find music, painting, reading, a martial study, contemplation..... the method doesn't matter. What matters is the transformative power of what you experience allowing you too to rise above what you knew before.

 I love you, Brother Blue.

For those who don't know I do occasional seasonal work at the 13th Gate Haunted House. I don't celebrate the holiday so my nights are free and the company is good. It is also an excellent oppurtunity to observe the reactions of different people when they are scared; think they are alone or in a heteroracial environment.

There are several incidents I could cite; but I don't want to turn this into a list of crazy things people did. Rather I want to write about the varied reactions people have to the different experiences. The first is ofcourse the classic fear response. Screaming and averting of the eyes. But what accompanies this can be anything from curling into the featl position; to freezing inplace to running blindly. Some people; male and female; will attach themselves to something they see as a protecter. Whether nestling in thier arms; hididng behind them; shoving them inbetween themselves and the threat. For the sake of an example; I had a 350lb man throw his girlfriend into me and run.

Then there is bravado. Attempting to overide thier fear through the use of false courage. Most of this involves someform of agression on the part of the scared person directed towards the sourse of fear. Screaming and yelling; bursting out with boo; rarg; or other sounds. Getting the face of the "monster". Threating them with violence. Openly mocking them. Etc.... This is different from actual courage inthat those who are not afraid do not feel the need to react; and certainly don't feel the need to "attack" the "monster" when it isn't even acting towards them.

There is of course panic and it's close friend anger. Frequently sudden scares will result is violent acts perpetuated on the "monster" or even people around the "victim". I myself have been repeatedly assualted by panicing people; less so by angered people. People don't like to be made to feel that they are vulnerable. They hate the feeling of weakness and take out that anger on the source of that feeling. This can be linked to so many other social interactions; but that is beyond the scope of this writing.

The effect of being in a haunted house makes things you do seem less "real". It's similar to visiting another country or "slumming". People feel free to do whatever nasty and perverted thing they feel like to themselves; each other and some of the actors. That is the chief reason we have active officers in the house at all times. The "whatever happens inhouse stays inhouse" mindset has led to several incident which would hurt my faith inhumanity's inherent goodness; if I had any.

When you can't tell the racial or gender make-up of people around you; people ten to assume "they are one of us" or just treat them like furniture. I'm frequently witnessing casual racism, general ignorance, or actual verbal assualt from all sorts of people. From the classic "White-Trash" (which is itself created by a wealthy overclass to split the forces of the worker.), to the W.A.S.P., to the Successful Black Buisiness Woman, to the Elegant Black Gentleman, to the Hood Rat, to everything inbetween. Actually; I've found that ,in general, the stereotypical "Gansters" are the most respectful and considerate of the customers. Why? Dunno; I've theorize a few reasons. Nothing concrete enough to mention in, or relevant to, this writing.

The feeling that the "monsters" are not real people has lead to customers feeling that they can treat them as they see fit. Touching; groping; hitting; cursing out. It is as though by the purchase of a ticket to the house the customers have purchased the rights to the actors in it. Customers frequently deman certain actions from us; and basically treat us as if they owned us. "I paid for you to.." If frequently followed by some asinine request. We lose value in thier eyes as people; once they have purchased the right to view us. Again I do not find this from most younger black males.

Frequently the house is used as a proving ground to show courage someone. Those someones are usually children taken buy thier parents to show how brave mommy and/or daddy is. Usually daddy. Forcing the lil' chillins to look at the monster while daddy laughs and say's he isn't scared. Those kids are gonna grow up fucked up.

Just like their parents.

This is abit heavy for my first post in months; but I was talking with a friend about it and I felt like getting some other views. It concerns a sick person and the people who share his state.

I call him a friend because the relationship we had is the closest I've ever known him to get to actual friendship. It is not to say that he is a shallow person. Rather he lives a shallow life in a shallow world where loyalty, trust and love are as cheap as it costs to buy them.

I'm suprised he's getting married; but I probably shouldn't be. My friend is a truly unique person; thankfully. I would call him a misogynist; but while the core definition remains (he has no respect for women as people) the cause of this twisted view are not the usual such as I've been unfortunate to encounter.

note: I'm in no way trying to justify his views or behavior. This is merely and open exploration of the circumstances which has turned what could otherwise be a decent human being into a dick.

My friend does not hate women. He doesn't feel fear towards them; atleast as far as I know. I've never seen him be disrespected or angered by a member of the fairer sex(fairer? how-eurocentric). He just doesn't seem them as people in the way you see other adults. In witnessing this I wondered at how a man could has such a view. And then I saw who he was dating and my confusion increased. The man was popular; he dated the "elite". as president of the pre-law society and a member of the student council he was very social and very much in demand from the so-called young professional women. He was never without companionship and honestly I don't think he ever went more than 36 hours without having sex with some Gorgeous well-together AKA or Delta member. How could a man; who so obviously and openly didn't give a shit about these women; be surrounded by them constantly?

He was loaded..... The man had money and connections; his parents had money and connections; hell his friends had money and connections(most of them were pretty misogynistic themselves; the traditional kind.). I felt like richard prior in The Toy hanging out with them. I don't know if he grew into it or was taught it as a child. But as far as he was concerned women were mere objects use and discard. It was just a matter of price. And the women he dated were happy to spend the money he gave them; ride in his car and go to the parties he could get them in. They figured they were using him; and he figured he was renting them. I've sometimes wondered if perhaps through his actions he attracted only women who respond to his money; and thus never encountered a women who would call him on his bullshit. Perhaps actually seeing this crature would force him to realize that such beings exist. He certainly doesn't think so.

The actual actions by him are really relevant to the purpose of this entry; If you really need to know I'll tell you privately.

Anyway he's marrying some women I've met once, from a town I've never heard of. She is beautiful; though she seems abit stuck on herself. Still she's lighter than him(and he's nearly the color yellow) and she comes form old money. So she'll fit right in with his crowd. I wasn't invited to the wedding; I've disassociated myself from that crowd. It would have been useful financially. My career would be assured (hollow). I'd have powerful friends (assholes).I'd be surrounded by beautiful women (fake). But I saw what it did to his soul. And I can say that I'm happier than he is.

I was going to end this with talking about a girl and another guy I knew from the same class. She said "there are no good men on campus". She said this to me; while in a class with me; while I was living on campus. The guy was.....well after thinking about my old friend I don't have the energy to go into their crap right now.

Wow; It's like I've woken up from a long sleep. For those of you who don't know I've been off bp for a while. Mostly I've been dealing with issues of the familia variety; but the grind has also been requiring a large time investment. But things are finally rolling back along and i feel good for the first time since fall began. anyway just poking my head in to let people know I'm still alive (though that was in question for abit) and will be back to my insightful yet abrasive creeds in a short while. peace be with you....

So the second day of my family reunion kicked off. I went fishing with my uncle Clarence. And between us we caught 5 fish. (truthfully he caught 3 including a 21 inch big mouth bass) We'll be cooking them up tomorrow. I caught some turtle for turtle soup; but ti turns out our cook has a fear of turtles; so i had to send em back all shell shocked.

Speaking of hunting have you heard about Ted Nugent? He's gonna hunt human beings for a reality show. http://www.celebitchy.com/44700/ted_nugent_lands_hunting_show_-_with_humans_as_his_prey/

Everyday I meet new people. Many support a pessimistic view of human nature. Tough true malice is fortunately rare; they cause more than enough misery through their own pettiness and self-delusion.

This is not about them.

I've met some truly amazing people in my relatively short time on this earth. I've grown from my experiences with them and I hope that I've helped them to grow as well. I can honestly say that I do not regret the people I have known; even those who did wrong by me. Everything that has come to be has helped me to become who I am.

So my door is always open. I'm not afraid to be wrong; it means I have something new to learn. The fact that my own form of thought is so aberrant to the norm has prepared me for talking to people who think differently than me. Difference is the greatest strength of any society. If I closeted myself and only talked to "my kind" I'd be denying myself of the opportunity to grow.

All life changes. If you try not to you merely stagnate.