lilyliketheflower's Blog

In this place, I spread my wings to fly without the weight of you holding me back. Even this small island of solace you tried to take from me - to no avail. You are but a speck of dust in a world where the winds of purity blow with a force greater than you could ever muster...

The Baptism

You tried to drown me

In my own sweat and tears

And love and blood

Shed when I gave birth to them

You could no longer hurt me

because your love was false

and I knew that you knew that we were through

but when my back was turned you struck

Not me physically

but through them, our babies

you hurt me thoroughly

you heartless, gutless, soulless ghoul

Yet you call yourself a man

but I see through the mask you wear

with the hollowed darkened eyes

you, believing your own lies

but I have long stopped listening

My ears filled with the cries of children

yearning for a father that does not exists

every good deed done to cover three dirty ones

and now you want my consideration

Consider this

I live on

Move on

Stand tall

And above all

Still believe in the purity of love

You did not drown me

But rather bathed me in a knowledge

That I was lacking

Lessons learned

As you suffer the reward of your deeds

Take heed, that now we smile freely

Because without your presence

We are happy

Thank you

lily

author of  girl Child (The Transition - In Poetic Form)

available at www.amazon.com

I have been single, though dating for over a year now. After being in a 6+ year relationship, I find myself a little out of practice and have made several misteps along the way. I have made the assumption that people mean what they say and say what they mean and have better things to do with their time than to play games. This assumption, of course, has been proven wrong many times over.

In my early twenties, when I pondered whether or not I would find my 'Mr. Right' my answer was a resounding 'yes'. Late twenties, that answer shifted to a 'maybe'. Now that I am nearing my mid-thirties, I have come to accept the answer of 'maybe not'. It is not that I have given up hope, but rather have found that in accepting the possibility that there may not be a perfect match out there for me, I have been forced to look in the mirror and find the things that I love about myself and also things that I need to work on. Being satisfied with 'maybe not' has freed me from the intangible yet very real pressure of the need to be in a relationship. I know that many women and possibly men get so caught up in filling the position for a significant other, that we settle for someone who lacks the basic qualifications. I have been guilty of doing just that and exposing myself to unnessessary angst and drama, when I could have been happier and drama free with my Redbox dvd of the week. 'Maybe not' has allowed me to see all of the other things that are pleasurable in my life and brought to a head the fact that having a man in my life does not guarantee happiness. In turn, not having a man in my life does not guarantee unhappiness. If he, 'Mr. Right' does come into my life, it will be of his own accord and in his own time. I am not rushed or worried because ultimately he may be out there or... 'maybe not'.

It is an all encompassing
completely overwhelming experience
to share physical intimacy
with someone with whom you already share
an emotional, mental and spiritual connection

This is of course my very long winded way
of trying to convey
that I made love to my best friend last night
I am trying to pretend
that it doesn't change anything
when it most assuredly does

For the first time in my life
I was COMPLETELY fulfilled
It seems unreal
The feelings that were brought up
and added to an already intoxicating
combination of conversation, wit an understanding
makes every passing minute seem like a day
and I keep wonder what next I will say,
when I've never been at a loss for words

Should I be stoic and tough
or break down and tell him that one night
was not nearly enough?
I need his voice, his hands, his tongue, his
Everything
to touch my
Everything - over and over again

Our connection was like plugging into the Matrix -
like he put his hands directly on my cerebral cortex
and massaged
It was a connection of colossal proportions
and I lost myself within him,
and now I think that I am loosing my mind

Because he is my first thought
my last thought
my only thought
when it comes to a man -
and damn, I don't even know if I can tell him that
Because he is after all my best friend
and it was just one night
and maybe the only way to keep things right
is to pretend
like it didn't happen
like it didn't make me feel alive

Maybe I should just forget about it
completely

Being told by black people

that my particular shade of black

is not beautiful

was hard for me

People one shade lighter

than my skin tone

made me feel ugly and alone

Like I belonged underneath a rock

that I could not lift

like my dark brown skin was a curse

not a gift

For far too long

I have despised my race

hated the way my features fit upon my face

hated my wide nose

full lips

slim waist

thick hips

coarse hair

hard speech

big dreams that seemed beyond my reach

because I was just a skinny little black girl

from Compton

And even now

though I have tried to rise above

all the hatred that rings in my ears

to find self love,

I still hear the voices saying

"Ugly" "Blacky" "That's why your hair is so nappy"

So I add hair weaves and extensions

And dream of plastic surgery

As I continue to heal from old scars

I try not to allow them to become new bars

that imprison me

I have to overcome the harsh words

Words that were implanted into minds

to be repeated to brothers and sisters

so that as a people we are left behind -

but small words turn into bricks

and into walls and into sticks

that keep us broke, stuck and beaten

into old habits, into old ways

reminding me too much of old days

when we were separated according to hue

and my people - as if on queue

are still falling for the mind game

causing separation and shame

within a race that should be glowing with pride

instead of trying to hide

behind the next man's version of beauty

I know that I have to get over it

I have to be happy to be nappy

and happy that your hair is straight

Happy that my nose is wide

and that yours ain't

I have to be happy with me

and with all of the variations of beauty

that black can be

because as long as we are hating each other

there is nothing we can do together

but be stuck under glass ceilings

and on bottom rungs and shelves

until as a people we are willing to love ourselves

We have to stop

being our own weapons of mass destruction

and start with self-instruction

Redefining the word Black

Instead of it meaning ugly, evil,

wicked or depressing

let it mean powerful, beautiful

and showered with blessings

Redefine the word Black

and don't let anyone stop you

or tell you that "black is not beautiful"

because if that happens - they got you

and I'm back to being ugly

This is a personal affirmation dedicated to my sisters of all shades...

I am not #2 material - If a man is married or in a relationship, he is UNAVAILABLE.

I will not knowingly share a man from either the "#1" or "#2" position - I am worthy of having a man of my own. Being the wife of a man who cheats does not make me any different than being the mistress. Both positions significantly reflect diminished self worth.

I believe in the Sisterhood - I respect myself and other women, giving men have no choice but to respect me. Any attempted games will not be accepted because I have raised - and refuse to lower - the bar of what I expect from a man in my life. I know that I am special and unique. I expect and deserve no less than to be in a loving and respectful relationship based on truth.

I am a HIV negative female passionate about promoting HIV/AIDs awareness amongst my sistahs, whom unfortunately are contracting the virus in disproportionate numbers. KNOW your status and get tested. The following piece 'Scared' describes my own fear about being tested for the first time in over 6 years:

Scared

I'm scared

Scared of needles

Scared of test results

Scared of sympathies heartfelt

Should the result come back positive

Scared because I know the life I've lived

I remember that everytime I slept with someone I got hurt

and everytime that I got hurt I slept with someone else

I remember when last names were optional

and lack of condoms was optimal because it 'felt better' to me

So yes I'm scared as I should be

But the cycle of ignorance,

of not knowing my status stops today

I can no longer rely on 'I feel okay'

Or 'I've never been with anyone that looked sick'

Because I know that even a quick pr$ck can change your life quick

I watched my best friend fade away

A slow and painful death that no one should have to face

I no longer want to live with uncertainty

Because my sisters and I are at risk and we are dying

because we are scared of demanding

that protection be used

or we're being abused to the point

where we feel we have no choice - no voice

to say 'I love and respect and value ME'

For that reason I act not out of fear

but out of necessity

My life depends on it

Your life depends on it

OUR future depends on US